Quotes

Allen, Fred:
"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare."
Article: "Also Known As" Part I by Kerry Ehrin

Allen, Fred:
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Article: "Untitled Peter Knight/Happy Madison Project" by Peter Knight

Allen, Fred:
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Article: Nick Santora, A Writer I Love Part II

Allen, Woody:
“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun..”
Article: "Love Machine" by Bird York

Allen, Woody:
“I am at two with Nature.”
Article: "Ego Trip" by Joanna Lovinger

Allen, Woody:
“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”
Article: “Getting in Good” by Tze Chun & Mike Weiss

Allen, Woody:
"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."
Article: "Boston's Finest" Part II

Allen, Woody:
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Article: "Cutthroat" Part II by Michele Fazekas and Tara Butters

Allen, Woody:
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Article: "Cult" Part II by Rockne O'Bannon

Allen, Woody:
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice
Article: "Untitled Peter Knight/Happy Madison Project" Part II by Peter Knight

Allen, Woody:
Life is full of misery, loneliness and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Article: "David Mirkin, A Writer I Love."

Allen, Woody:
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Article: "Nick Santora, A Writer I Love"

Allen, Woody:
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
Article: "Jason Kravits, a Writer I Love" Part II

Ashcroft, John:
The FBI. is a massive culture. It's been a culture that served America well, and it's been focused on prosecution. But what we need in terms of terrorism is prevention.
Article: Terry McDermott and the Hunt for KSM

Asimov, Isaac:
“The core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation if we are to be saved at all.”
Article: “Firefall” the Melody Fox

Barrymore, John:
“The Good die young – because they see it’s no use living if you’ve got to be good.”
Article: "Back" Dean Widenmann

Bloom, Harold:
Sometimes one succeeds, sometimes one fails.
Article: "The Doctor" Part II by Rina Mimoun

Bogart, Humphrey:
“I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.”
Article: “Embracing Chaos” (“African Queen, The) by Meyer Nicholas, (producer)

Bombeck, Erma:
“God created man, but I could do better.”
Article: “Private Eyes” by Chip Johannessen

Bombeck, Erma:
“Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.”
Article: “Nevermind Nirvana” by Ajay Sahgal

Bombeck, Erma:
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it
"Untitled Peter Knight/Happy Madison Project" Part II by Peter Knight

Bombeck, Erma:
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Article: "The Doctor" by Rina Mimoun

Bombeck, Erma:
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Article: "The Doctor" Part III by Rina Mimoun

Bombeck, Erma:
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Article: A New Direction

Bombeck, Erma:
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
Article: "Jason Kravits, a Writer I Love" Part III

Bradbury, Ray:
“Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for.”
Article: “Funny in Farsi” Part II by Nastaran Dibai & Jeffrey B. Hodes

Bradbury, Ray:
"If you don't like what you're doing, then don't do it."
Article: "Recovering Justice" Part III by Kevin Hynes

Brooks, James L.
What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance... Just a tiny bit. – Aaron Altman on network news anchors (“Broadcast News”)
Article: "Hard News" Part II by Brett Conrad

Brooks, Mel:
“Sorry about that, Chief”– Maxwell Smart
Article: “The Domestic Front” David M. Stern

Brooks, Mel:
“Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.”
Article: “The Cell” Part II, by Mark Jordan Legan & Mark Wilding

Burroughs, William S.:
"The first lesson is don't improve the product. Degrade the buyer."
Article: "August" Part III by Howard Rodman

Burroughs, William S.:
“Sometimes paranoia’s just having all the facts.”
Article: “Them” by John McNamara & David Eick

Camus, Albert:
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”
Article: "Back" Dean Widenmann

Capone, Al:
“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.”
Article: “Welcome to Youngstown” by Jack LoGiudice

Carroll, Lewis:
If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Article: A New Direction

Chandler, Raymond:
“The challenge of screenwriting is to say much in little and then take half of that little out and still preserve an effect of leisure and natural movement.”
Article: “Blue Blood” by Neil Tolkin

Chandler, Raymond:
“If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.”
Article: “Blue Blood” Part II by Neil Tolkin

Chandler, Raymond:
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better take one along that worked.
Article: "The 500"

Chandler, Raymond:
“She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.”
Article: "Jane's Life" Part II

Chaplin, Charles:
“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, and a comedy in long shot.”
Article: "Manhattan Beach Project" Part II by Peter Lefcourt

Chayefsky, Paddy:
“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore” – Howard Beale (“Network”)
Article: "Hard News" by Brett Conrad

Chayefsky, Paddy:
God save us from people who do the morally right thing. It's always the rest of us who get broken in half.
Article: "The Hungry Rabbit Jumps" by Robert Tannen

Churchill, Winston:
“It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary.”
Article: “King of the Road” by Michael Oates Palmer

Churchill, Winston:
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Article: “The Big 180” Part II by Dusty Kay

Cocteau, Jean:
"Life is a horizontal fall"
Article: "The Capitol Police" by Kimberly Simi

Condon, Richard:
(The Manchurian Candidate.) “His brain has not only been washed, as they say... It has been dry cleaned.”
Article: “Identities” by Ben Sokolowski

Cosby, Bill:
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Article: Janet Leahy, A Writer I Love Part II

Cosby, Bill:
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
Article: A Late Quartet

Cosby, Bill
Parents aren't interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
Article: Jason Kravits, A Writer I Love

Coward, Noel:
“Success took me to her bosom like a maternal boa constrictor.”
Article: "Manhattan Beach Project" by Peter Lefcourt

Cunningham, John:
(“High Noon”) “It's a great life. You risk your skin catchin' killers and the juries turn 'em loose so they can come back and shoot at ya again. If you're honest, you're poor your whole life, and in the end you wind up dyin' all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothin'. For a tin star.”
Article: "Western Ave." by John Mandel

Dali, Salvador:
Surrealism is destructive, but it destroys only what it considers to be shackles limiting our vision.

Article: Tristana

Darrow, Clarence:
“History repeats itself, and that’s one of the things that wrong with history”
Article: “Welcome to Youngstown” by Jack LoGiudice

Darwin, Charles:
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”
Article: “Firefall” the Melody Fox

Davis, Bette:
"Acting should be bigger than life. Scripts should be bigger than life. It should all be bigger than life."
Article: "The Wreck of the Leviathan" Part II by Chris Kelley

Dick, Philip K.:
"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."
Article: "August" Part III by Howard Rodman

Dick, Philip K.:
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Article: "Cult" by Rockne O'Bannon

Dickens, Charles:
"The civility which money will purchase is rarely extended to those who have none."
Article: "The Wreck of the Leviathan" Part I by Chris Kelley

Du Maurier, Daphne:
"Dead men tell no tales, Mary."
Article: "The Wreck of the Leviathan" Part I by Chris Kelley

Dylan, Bob
Being on tour is like being in limbo. It's like going from nowhere to nowhere.
Article: "Limbo" by Brandon Camp

Earp, Wyatt:
"Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything."
Article: "Western Ave." by John Mandel

Emerson, Ralph Waldo:
“Reality is a sliding door.”
Article: "Manhattan Beach Project" by Peter Lefcourt

Ephron, Nora:
“My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.
Article: "Also Known As" Part II by Kerry Ehrin

Ephron, Nora:
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
Article: David Dean Bottrell, A Writer I Love Part II

Faulkner, William:
“The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

Article: “Chapel Hill” by Elizabeth Cosin

Faulkner, William:
"Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.”
Article: "Recovering Justice" Part II by Kevin Hynes

Faulker, William:
Facts and truth really don't have much to do with each other.
Article: "The Staked Plains" by Peter Blake

Fields, W. C.:
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
Article: "Untitled Peter Knight/Happy Madison Project" by Peter Knight

Fields, W.C.:
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Article: Janet Leahy, A Writer I Love, Part III

Fields, W.C.:
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
Article: "Terry McDermott, A Writer I Love" Part II

Fields, W.C.:
"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."
Article: "Boston's Finest" by Richard Hatem

Fields, W.C.:
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Article: "The Doctor" by Rina Mimoun

Ford, John:
When the legend becomes the fact, print the legend. ("The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence")
Article: "The Staked Plains" by Peter Blake

Franklin, Benjamin:
“A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.” – Benjamin Franklin
Article: "August" by Howard Rodman

Fuller, Samuel:
"Surviving is the only glory in war."
Article: "Boston's Finest" by Richard Hatem

Fuller, Samuel:
You know how you smoke out a sniper? You send a guy out in the open, and you see if he gets shot. They thought that one up at West Point.
Article: "77" by David Matthews

Fuller, Samuel:
When you're at the end of your rope, all you have to do is make one foot move out in front of the other. Just take the next step. That's all there is to it.
Article: "The Doctor" Part II by Rina Mimoun

Gibson, William:
"The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet."
Article: "August" by Howard Rodman

Gide, Andre:
"The color of truth is gray."
Article: "The Cover" by Matt Michnovetz

Gide, Andre:
It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves.
Article: "The Hungry Rabbit Jumps" Part II by Robert Tannen

Godard, Jean Luc:
"To be or not to be. That's not really a question."
Article: "August" Part II by Howard Rodman

Godard, Jean Luc
All you need for a movie is a gun and a girl
Article: "Cutthroat" by Michele Fazekas & Tara Butters

Goering, Hermann:
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.”
Article: "Emerald City" by John Rice

Goldman, James (“Lion in Winter”):
“What family doesn’t have its ups and downs?” – Eleanor of Aquitaine

Article: “The Eastmans” by Margaret Nagle

Goldwyn, Samuel:
“Our comedies are not to be laughed at.”
Article: “Funny in Farsi” Part II by Nastaran Dibai & Jeffrey B. Hodes

Goldwyn, Samuel:
“Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? All you do is change the words.”
Article: “Nevermind Nirvana” by Ajay Sahgal

Gramsci, Antonio:
"Pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will."
Article: "August" Part III by Howard Rodman

Greeley, Horace:
“Go West young man, and grow up with the country.”
Article: "Come West With Me" by Craig Bolotin

Greene, Graham:
(Our Man in Havana) "I don't care a damn about men who are loyal to the people who pay them, to organizations...I don't think even my country means all that much. There are many countries in our blood, aren't there, but only one person. Would the world be in the mess it is if we were loyal to love and not to countries?"
Article: “The Cell” Mark Jordan Legan & Mark Wilding

Greene, Graham:
“The world is not black and white. More like black and grey.”
Article: “Blue Blood” Part II by Neil Tolkin

Grimm, Brothers The:
"But Grandmother! What big teeth you have.”
Article: "Little Red" by John Kirk & Eric Gardner

Groening, Matt:
"Families are about love overcoming emotional torture."
Article: "Nolan Knows Best" Part I by Dana Gould

Gwenn, Edmund:
“Dying is easy, comedy is hard.”

Article: “Conversation with Jon Sherman, A”  by Jon Sherman

Hammett, Dashiell:
“You got to look on the bright side, even if there ain’t one.”

Article: "The Lucky Rabbit" by Adam Fierro

Hammet, Dashiell:
People always say things like, Oh, well, he was suffering so much that he was better off dying. But that's not true. You're always better off living.
Article: "The Hungry Rabbit Jumps" by Robert Tannen

Heinlein, Robert:
"Never insult anyone by accident."
Article: "Jane's Life" Part I by Michael A. Ross

Heinlein, Robert:
"Being right too soon is socially unacceptable."
Article: "Rockne O'Bannon, a Writer I Love"

PDF

Heinlein, Robert:
May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live.
Article: David Dean Bottrell, A Writer I Love Part II

Heinlein, Robert A.
“You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don’t ever plan on having both at once.”
Article: “Them” by John McNamara & David Eick

Heller, Joseph:
(Catch 22) “Anything worth living for,” said Nately, “is worth dying for. “And anything worth dying for,” answered the old man, “is certainly worth living for.”
Article: "Emerald City" by John Rice

Hemingway, Ernest
"There's no one thing that is true. They're all true."
Article: "Recovering Justice" Part II by Kevin Hynes

Hepburn, Katherine:
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”
Article: “Embracing Chaos” (“African Queen, The) by Meyer Nicholas, (producer)

Holmes, Oliver Wendell Jr.:
"This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice."
Article: "Recovering Justice" Part I by Kevin Hynes

Huang, George:
Life is not a movie. Good guys lose, everybody lies and love...does not conquer all - Buddy Ackerman (Swimming with the Sharks)
Article: "Limbo" Part II by Brandon Camp

Hubbard, L. Ron:
“If you want to make a little money, write a book. If you want to make a lot of money, create a religion.”

Article: "Orpheus" by Nicholas Meyer

Huston, John:
“Hollywood has always been a cage… a cage to catch all our dreams.”

Article: “Chapel Hill” by Elizabeth Cosin

Fields, Dorothy:
"It's not where you start, it's where you finish, and you're gonna to finish on top"
Article: "Recovering Justice" Part I by Kevin Hynes

Ionesco, Eugene:
"A work of art is above all an adventure of the mind"
Article: "The Wreck of the Leviatan" Part II by Chris Kelley

Jennings, Peter:
Don’t be confused that my interest in religion, faith and spirituality is driven by any sense of faith or spirituality of my own.
Article: "Limbo" by Brandon Camp

Johnson, Samuel:
“Revenge is an act of passion; vengeance of justice. Injuries are revenged; crimes are avenged”
Article: "The Associate" by J. Mills Goodloe

Print

Kasden, Jake:
To be honest? Original scares me. You never want to be too original. - Lenny ("The TV Set")
Article: "Meat Market" by Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder

Kennedy, Robert F. :
“Don’t get mad. Get even.”
Article: "The Associate" by J. Mills Goodloe

Kerr, Jean:
“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.”
Article: “Private Eyes” by Chip Johannessen

King, Stephen:
When asked, "How do you write?" I invariably answer, "One word at a time."
Article: "Cult" Part II by Rockne O'Bannon

King, Stephen:
Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.
Article: Nick Santora, a Writer I Love Part III

King, Stephen:
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.
Article: A New Direction

Kinsey, Alfred:
“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform”
Article: "Love Machine" by Bird York

Kuralt, Charles:
“Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.”
Article: "What's Your Story?" by Jack Bernstein

Lansky, Meyer:
“Don't worry, don't worry. Look at the Astors and the Vanderbilts, all those big society people. They were the worst thieves - and now look at them. It's just a matter of time.”
Article: "Cuba Libre" by Andrew Colville

Lazarus, Emma:
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Article: “Funny in Farsi” by Nastaran Dibai & Jeffrey B. Hodes

Leigh, Carolyn:
Fairy Tales can come true. It can happen to you.”
Article: Rockne O'Bannon, a Writer I Love

Leonard, Elmore:
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
Article: "The Staked Plains" Part II by Peter Blake

Letterman, David:
"I heard some good news today. The FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime."
Article: “The Domestic Front” David M. Stern

Levine, Joseph E.:
“You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.”
Article: “The Big 180” by Dusty Kay

Levinson, Sam:
“When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?”
Article: "Nolan Knows Best" Part II by Dana Gould

Lincoln, Abraham:
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.
Article: Lincoln

Lloyd, David:
“A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.”

Article: “Two Dicks” by Phoef Sutton

Lopez, Robert & Marx, Jeff:
"Schadenfreude" from "Avenue Q"
Gary
: Right now you are down and out, and feelin' really crappy.
Nicky: I'll say.
Gary
: And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me happy!
Nicky: "Happy?"
Gary: Sorry, Nicky, human nature, nothing I can do~! It's Schadenfreude makin' me feel glad that I'm not you!
Article: "Boston's Finest" Part II

Maher, Bill:
“It’s all been satirized for your protection”
Article: “The Cell” Mark Jordan Legan & Mark Wilding

Marquis, Don:
"I would rather start a family than end one."
Article: "Also Known As" Part I by Kerry Ehrin

Marquis, Don
Blood will tell, but often it tells too much.
Article: "Cutthroat" by Michele Fazekas & Tara Butters

Marquis, Don:
A hypocrite is a person who - but who isn't?
Article: "77" by David Matthews

Marx, Groucho:
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
Article: “The Big 180” Part II by Dusty Kay

Marx, Karl:
"Despite fluctuations in the price of beef, the sacrifice remains constant for the ox."
Article: "August" Part II by Howard Rodman

Meade, George H.:
“A multiple personality is in a certain sense normal.”
Article: "Ego Trip" by Joanna Lovinger

Michael, Shayne:
"In those big floppy shoes and baggy pants, Bongo really should have assumed running for safety was a long shot."
Article: “Bullsh*t” by Ben Murray

Mizner, Wilson:
"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."
Article: "The Lucky Rabbit" by Adam Fierro

Molière, Jean Baptiste:
"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money."
Article: "Bedlam, New York" by Carla Robinson

Monash, Paul:
“I shoulda known better than to trust a cop. My own goddamn mother coulda told me that.” – Eddie Coyle (“The Friends of Eddie Coyle”)
Article: "The Cover" by Matt Michnovetz

Murrow, Edward R.:
To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful.
Article: "Hard News" by Brett Conrad

Murrow, Edward R.:
Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize them.
Article: "The Border" by Dawn Comer Jefferson

Murrow, Edward R.:
The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.
Article: "77" Part II by David Matthews

Newhart, Bob:
Funny is funny is funny is funny.
Article: David Mirkin, A Writer I Love Part II

Nichols, Mike:
The only safe thing is to take a chance.
Article: "David Mirkin, a Writer I Love Part III"

O’Brien, Conan:
"One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."
Article: "Game" by Thompson Evans

O’Brien, Conan:
"Roger Ailes, the head of the Fox News Channel, is denying reports that he sent President Bush a letter giving him advice on the war. In his own defense Ailes said I'm not in a position to give anyone advice, I hired Geraldo."
Article: "What's Your Story?" by Jack Bernstein

O’Neil, Ed:
"When I read the pilot 'for Married with Children', it just reminded me of my Uncle Joe... just a self-deprecating kind of guy. He'd come home from work, and the wife would maybe say 'I ran over the dog this morning in the driveway'. And he would say 'Fine, what's for dinner?"
Article: “Welcome to Youngstown” Part II by Jack LoGiudice

Oakley, Annie:
“You can’t get a man with a gun that’s for sure.”
Article: "Come West With Me" by Craig Bolotin

Parker, Dorothy:
“What fresh hell is this?”
Article: “Identities” by Ben Sokolowski

Parker, Dorothy:
“Ducking for apples. Change one letter and it’s the story of my life.”
Article: "Jane's Life" Part I by Michael A. Ross

Parker, Dorothy:
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."
Article: "August" Part III by Howard Rodman

Parker, Dorothy:
"If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy."
Article: "Recovering Justice" Part III by Kevin Hynes.

Parker, Dorothy
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than have a frontal lobotomy.
Article: "Hard News" Part II by Brett Conrad

Parker, Dorothy:
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of the tires.
Article: Janet Leahy, A Writer I Love, Part III

Parker, Dorothy:
You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
Article: Nick Santora, A Writer I Love Part II

Polonsky, Abraham:
"Money has no moral opinions."
Article: "August" Part II by Howard Rodman

Polonsky, Abraham:
"If you don't get killed, it's a lucky day for anybody."
Article: "The Capitol Police" by Kimberly Simi

Porter, Cole:
"I love Paris in the Summer when it sizzles… I love Paris most of all”
Article: “Eight Pieces for Josette” by Kasi Lemmons

Porter, Cole:
If they ever put a bullet through your brain, I'll complain. It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship. When other friendships have been forgit, ours will still be it.
Article: "The Doctor" Part III by Rina Mimoun

Proverbs:
“He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.”
Article: "Calloways' Law" by Ashley Gable

Puzo, Mario:
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.." – “The Godfather”
Article: "Cuba Libre" by Andrew Colville

Puzo, Mario:
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.
Article: "Nick Santora, a Writer I Love"

Quayle, Dan:
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
Article: “Getting in Good” by Tze Chun & Mike Weiss

Quayle, Dan:
“I deserve respect for the things I did not do.”
Article: “Bedlam, New York” by Carla Robinson

Rogers, Fred:
“It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor, Would you be mine? Could you be mine?”
Article: "Goody" by Dave Flebotte

Rogers, Will:
"Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.”
Article: "Game" by Thompson Evans

Rogers, Will:
“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”
Article: “Bedlam, New York” by Carla Robinson

Rogers, Will:
"Make crime pay. Become a lawyer."
Article: "Recovering Justice" Part I by Kevin Hynes

Rolling Stones, The:
“You can’t always get what you want.”

Article: “Hudson” by Sarah McLaughlin

Rothstein, Arnold:
The more money the louder it talks.
Article: "Cutthroat" Part II by Michele Fazekas and Tara Butters

Rowling, J.K.:
Hearing voices no one else can hear isn't a good sign, even in the wizarding world.
Article: "The Wizard of Exeter Hall" by Nicole Ranadive

Rowling, J.K.
If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.
Article: "The Border" by Dawn Comer Jefferson

Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs:
“Hey there Little Red Riding Hood, you sure are looking good. You’re everything a big bad wolf could want.”
Article: "Little Red" by John Kirk & Eric Gardner

Schwarzenegger, Arnold:
“To think that a once scrawny boy from Austria could grow up to become Governor of California and stand in Madison Square Garden and speak on behalf of the President of the United States, that is an immigrant’s dream. It is the American dream.”
Article: “Funny in Farsi” by Nastaran Dibai & Jeffrey B. Hodes

Serling, Rod:
“There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition.”
Article: “The Last Hundred Days” by James Thorpe

Shakespeare, William:
"First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - Henry VI, Part II
Article: "Calloways Law" by Ashley Gable.

Shaw, George Bernard:
"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."
Article: “King of the Road” by Michael Oates Palmer

Simpson, Homer:
Union Rule 26: Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odor.
Article: David Mirkin, A Writer I Love

Stewart, Jon:
“(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It’s scary I know, but we’re not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Queda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first.”
Article: “The Cell” Part II, Mark Jordan Legan & Mark Wilding

Stewart, Jon:
If the events of 9/11 have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Article: Terry McDermott and the Hunt for KSM

Thompson, Hunter S.:
“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”
Article: “The Big 180” by Dusty Kay

Twain, Mark:
"A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar."
Article: "Calloways' Law" by Ashley Gable

Twain, Mark:
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
Article: “Bullsh*t” by Ben Murray

Twain, Mark:
“It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.”
Article: "The Lucky Rabbit" by Adam Fierro

Twain, Mark:
Go to Heaven fro the climate, Hell for the company.
Article: "Meat Market" Part II by Eric Charmelo & Nicole Snyder

Unattributed:
"A woman goes into a bar and asks for a 'double entendre.' So the bartender gave her one."

Article: “The Man of Your Dreams” : by Jay Lacopo

Voltaire:
“Self love is the instrument of our preservation.”
Article: “Eight Pieces for Josette” by Kasi Lemmons

Wambaugh, Joseph:
“As a cop, I dealt with every kind of bum and criminal. They all have more integrity than some Hollywood people.”
Article: “Blue Blood” by Neil Tolkin

Waters, John:
I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.
Article: "Meat Market" Part II by Eric Charmelo & Nicole Snyder

Waters, John:
I wish something on TV would trouble me. Then maybe I would watch it.
Article: "David Mirkin, a Writer I Love Part III"

Waters, John:
I'd love to sell out completely. It's just that nobody has been willing to buy.
Article: "David Dean Bottrell, A Writer I Love"

Wells, H.G.:
“The past is but the past of a beginning”
Article: “The Last Hundred Days” by James Thorpe

Wells, H.G.:
The Past is just the past of a beginning.
Article: "The Wizard of Exeter Hall" by Nicole Ranadive

Wells, H.G.:
What really matters is what you do with what you have.
Article: "The Staked Plains" Part II by Peter Blake

Wells, H.G.:
Cynicism is humor in ill health.
Article: "Cult" by Rockne O'Bannon

West, Mae:
“Too much of a good thing is wonderful”
Article: "Manhattan Beach Project" Part II by Peter Lefcourt

West, Mae:
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Article: Blancanieves

Whedon, Joss
Always be yourself...unless you suck.
Article: "Meat Market" by Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder

White, E.B.:
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Article: "Nolan Knows Best" Part II by Dana Gould

White, E.B.:
“There's no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another.”
Article: "Jane's Life" Part II

White, E.B.:
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
Article: Janet Leahy, A Writer I Love Part II

E.B. White:
Writing is an act of faith, not a trick of grammar.
Article: "Terry McDermott, A Writer I Love" Part II

Wilde, Oscar:
“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
Article: "Orpheus" by Nicholas Meyer

Wilde, Oscar:
"Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life."
Article: "Nolan Knows Best" by Dana Gould

Wilde, Oscar:
When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.
Article: David Mirkin, A Writer I Love Part II

David Mirkin – A Writer I Love

It doesn’t take much to love David Mirkin. Just look at his credits and you’ll realize that you’ve loved him for years on “Three’s Company,” “Newhart,” and “The Simpsons,” as well as his own iconic series “Get a Life,” to name just a few. David is also a popular director in both features and television, making him more than a triple threat.

I was lucky enough to have David lecture to a class I taught called “The Entertainment Industry Seminar” and he was a major hit because his practical advice was encased in the humorous delivery that is his trademark.

Conversation with a Writer I Love:

Neely: David, I’m so glad you agreed to talk to me.

For a while there, we kept bumping into one another – like at the TEDX conference. Have you been to any of the others?

David: I have not. Savannah used to go those, but once they got really big and really crowded, it became less of an interest of ours. I still watch the videos online which is about the easiest way to do that.

Neely: I think TED is a very interesting concept – sort of like an “after school special” for grown-ups, but I always end up with a headache.

David: That one where we saw each other was really kind of Ted-Light. It wasn’t quite the quality of the ones that are now crazily expensive. It didn’t use to be that expensive and crowded. As I said, a lot of them end up online so you can get the best of them. People who are big networking fans enjoy it but when the numbers grew to such a large extent, it was less appealing. I don’t run in the direction of large crowds of people very often.

Neely: Before TED, and I guess it was an anticipatory headache, we had been to a Renaissance Weekend…

David: …Ohmy god.

Neely: ..precisely. By the third day my head was just throbbing and all I wanted to do was go home… take a bottle of aspirin and just go home. The other thing, of course, was that the TEDX we went to a USC cost us $50. The full price for TED is like $7,500.

David: That’s right. It just went through the roof. It used to be just a couple of thousand and then it doubled and tripled. They also have started to have it on video, even if you paid for the conference. People love it, but it’s not my kind of thing. I find my technology on my various feeds from the internet and watch the videos as they become available.

Neely: I do have a friend who is often an invited speaker and I’m wondering if you know her - Emily Levine. I really love her and her take on things. Emily has a background much like yours in that she started in comedy, both stand-up and writing.

David: I don’t know her but I’ve probably run into her at some point.

Neely: Let’s start in the present. I noticed that you have several feature projects in development. Can you talk about any of them?

David: I can’t talk too much about them for various reasons, but I am very excited about the Richard Branson biopic “Losing My Virginity.” It’s a great combination of an action film, because there are a lot of the balloon and boat crashes mixed in with a really fascinating story about how to make a billion dollars without being a big jerk (both laugh).

Neely: How really cool. How did you get attached to that?

David: In some ways it’s the flip side of the “Social Network” where there was a lot of intrigue an dirty tricks involved in that startup. Richard started his magazine when he was 15 or 16, and I’ve talked to people he was in business with at that age and through his early career and he’s still friendly with all of them. So he’s been able to move forward, be very successful and still have people speak well of him. I think it’s a good flip side to the “Social Network” that you can also make a billion dollars without screwing everyone.

Neely: How did you get attached to that film?

David: The producers sent me a copy of his book Losing My Viriginity: How I Survived, Had Fun and Made a Fortune Doing Business My Way. I read it and really liked it and had a very interesting, cool, visual kinetic take on it. I then met with Richard and we really hit it off; he really loved the take too. And we went from there.

Neely: I notice on a lot of the other features you have in development right now that you’re also going to direct them Are you going to direct this one?

David: Yeah. I’m attached as a writer/director on this.

Neely: Would you say that your present focus is more on directing or are you still firmly planted in the writing world?

David: Everything always come from writing. If there’s a great script that I haven’t written and I have take on it as a director, I always consider that. But it really starts with the writing and the writing has to move me or be something I can rewrite and put into a voice I’m comfortable with. It all starts there, but then, in the early part of my career, it was the same thing. When you have a vision of something and even if you haven’t written it or if you’ve just rewritten it or added to it a bit, you then want to protect what that is. So really, directing is just a means of protecting the writing.

Neely: You come by that naturally and you have great predecessors in terms of that feeling, Billy Wilder, foremost among them.

David: That’s right. It all started back then and those are the heroes. It’s so funny having a hero, pretty much since childhood, be Woody Allen and yet he’s still getting Academy Award nominations. That’s certainly a great career.

Neely: Well that’s an excellent segue because I think I would be completely remiss if we didn’t start our conversation with “The Simpsons.” Your comparison of Woody Allen as a childhood idol who’s still active certainly resonates. My son, who’s an adult now, grew up with “The Simpsons.” It may not be the same as Woody Allen but it’s something that has crossed many generations.

David: It has. And you know, it’s a similar thing. You’re talking about somebody who influenced me when I was still in high school or maybe right before, where I was just blown away by his writing.

Going back a bit. The first writing that really blew me away when I was a child was “The Dick Van Dyke Show” as a series. I recognized that as something smarter than anything else on television at the time. And it’s held up in (television) history as something that was absolutely brilliant. Suddenly something incredibly smart was speaking to me and that led to “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” which was another thing that blew me away. And that was Jim Brooks, with Alan Burns at that time, just doing this amazing series. And following Jim’s career as he went on to “Taxi,” which was another series I studied very seriously when I was trying to learn to write. And obviously then “The Simpsons.” The whole reason “The Simpsons” exist and has the freedom that it does is thanks to Jim Brooks.

Neely: When did you start on the show and how long have you been associated with it?

David: I’ve been there over 20 years. The first time I worked with Jim Brooks, “The Simpsons” were on “The Tracey Ullman Show,” as those little minute interstitials and I was asked to be a guest writer on her show. It was a big thrill for me that Jim Brooks liked my work on “Newhart” and asked me to come over and write a couple of sketches for that show. So I met Jim at that point and really enjoyed working with him. Then when “The Simpsons” was starting up as a half hour, I was asked to join it then, but by then I had my own project in development, the show that became “Get a Life.” So I actually didn’t come on to “The Simpsons” until the end of 1992. So it’s just about 20 years now.

Neely: I’ve also noticed that so many of the writers have started with “The Simpsons,” gone off to other things and then returned, oftentimes repeating that cycle several times. How does that work?

David: When I was asked to take over “The Simpsons” in 1992 and become the showrunner, I had to pretty much rebuild the entire staff from the ground up because it’s such a difficult show and there’s no hiatus like there is on other television shows – every other television show has about a three month hiatus where you can rest up. “The Simpsons,as opposed to having a hiatus, because it takes 9 months to do one episode, literally six months of the year we’re working on two seasons simultaneously. Right now we’re still finishing up shows that are airing this season while we’re busy writing next season. We’re always about a year back. So the same time we’re working on this season, we’re also working on the Halloween show for next season, things like that. So people burn out very seriously. When I came in, I started something new. I had wanted to keep George Meyer, who I had worked with on “The Edge,” my sketch show. I was a fan of his. So we worked out a thing where George could come in two or three days a week so he wouldn’t be as burned out. I did the same thing with Al Jean and Mike Reis, I worked it out so they could come in a day a week. And that was all just something I had. I had worked with Al and Mike on “It’s Gary Shandling’s Show” where I was doing a day a week. It’s something that’s been around in the business a while. David Lloyd was like that on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” where I don’t think he was there all the time.

Neely: Phoef Sutton talked about how he did that on “Cheers” as well (even going so far as to negotiate his own contracts in the third person).

David: I had been one day a week on “It’s Gary Shandling’s Show,I was one day a week at the beginning of “Larry Sanders.” I managed to do this consulting things where you help with the rewrites and give outside advice. And so I started doing that on “The Simpsons” to keep people around who we liked. Then when I stopped running the show, I never left, I’ve never left “The Simpsons” in the 20 years, I became one of the people who was doing one or two days and I could go off and direct a movies and work on other series and still, because each show takes nine months from start to finish, I could still have input on every episode of every season.

Neely: That also answers the question I was going to ask next, which was how many times have your recycled onto the show? You’ve never cycled off.

David: Never cycled off. There have been some people who have completely left and then come back. Actually, Al and Mike went off and had a deal with Disney. I think they were completely gone during that time, but I almost can’t remember. There might have been a short period where they were gone, but then the did return. But I, myself, never took such a chance. I made sure to be there consistently. I was always able to work it out even if I had to go off to direct a movie for three months and really be gone for three months, that’s still only three months out of the nine month process. I still had the opportunity to come back and contribute.

Neely: Well also, clearly, one thing that works on that particular show is that you may be working nine months in advance, but it seems that just prior to putting it on the air you’re tweaking to get something in there that is very current.

David: It’s quite entertaining how many people we kill by referencing them (Neely laughs) and then they’re dead right before the show goes on and we have to rush and change the reference. So, yeah, things in the world do change in the nine months and the lucky thing is that “The Simpsons” have 16 mouth shapes so it’s very easy to change what they say (Neely laughs again and again). We continue the rewrite process up to about 2 weeks before it hits the air. Sometimes it’s tighter than that. Sometimes we’ve done things in less than a week in advance. An idea will hit us or a new reference will hit us and we can put something in the show, a small little thing, very quickly. And we keep that up so that even though it may have generated an early idea nine months ago, by the time it’s on the air it still feels like it’s referencing what’s going on in the moment.

Neely: I’m not sure there’s anyone in the world, well, maybe America, who hasn’t seen at least one episode of “The Simpsons.” Do you have a favorite character? Parents always say (falsetto voice) “Oh I love all my children equally.” Well no. they don’t.

David: As a writer, there’s almost nobody more fun to write for than Homer because he’s such a fascinating combination of things. He’s so just naturally funny and for a negative-thinking person like me, he’s an incredibly positive, resilient idiot and that’s exciting. And he’s not always an idiot. He may have trouble figuring out how to open up a door, how to operate a door, but at the same time he can name all the justices of the Supreme Court and have great detils about each one. So he’s incredibly varied in terms of what I call flexible reality. Homer also has flexible intelligence that goes way up and way down depending on his mood, depending on the situation, depending on the body of knowledge that he’s interacting with. So it’s really fun to write someone who’s changing all the time, is that resilient to everything. He actually is quite posititve no matter how many times he gets knocked down. He’s instantly enthusiastic about a new subject – dangerously enthusiastic about a new subject. Even after all this time he’s still surprising to write for which is why he’s my favorite character.

Neely: What about a favorite (several) episode – written by you or by others?

David: Now those are the children and you love ‘em all and which ones you like the most change as time goes on. The episode that I wrote about “Deep Space Homer” holds a special place for me. First of all because it was a difficult birth; it was controversial at that time. There was some concern that it seemed like a big idea to send Homer into space. I never saw it that way. Coming from an engineering background and literally an aerospace background, it wasn’t really far from the truth at all. Just because there was that kind of discussion and that kind of resisistence made it more exciting to me. I thrive when there’s that kind of resistance. My greatest successes have come in the face of reisistence. I usually think I’m on to something good if an idea’s upsetting. I have to admit that there were some writers who were nervous about it, they weren’t really ones that made me nervous. I mean the writers loved it and supported it from the beginning – George Meyer and Conan O’Brien and Mike and Al, and then because there was some discussion about whether this was a proper thing to do, Jim Brooks, who was incredibly busy the first year I was running the show and he was not around. He was working on a film and he took the time to read my script and he loved it. So that was a major thing that came in, no question about it it. That was part of the excitement aobut it – it had some controversy to it and it also had my favorite guest starts of all time – James Taylor, who’s this dear friend of mine and it turned out to be a terrific use of him and he was hilarious in it; and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, who was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met did the show. And then it became one of the most popular shows that we ever did and it also became a favorite show of NASA who uses it in their training. Astronaut Ed Liu liked it so much that he asked me to send him a copy of it up in space. So it was before we had any DVDs of “The Simpsons,” so I burned a DVD at home and then it got sent up in one of those Russian supply ships and then Ed sent me back a picture of that DVD floating in the cabin in front of Earth in the background. So there were a lot of things associated with that episode that make it very very special to me. I was thrilled with how well received it was. I really was.

Neely: That’s an incredible story and it opens something up that is a deviations but it’s something I didn’t know about you. And that’s your engineering and aerospace background. Can you elaborate on that?

David: As I always say, I started off like most comedy writers as an electronics engineer. (Neely chortles) That was the background of my family. My father was a computer engineer in the 50s and into the 60s, although he died in 1962. It wasn’t a very good career choice being around those very first computers. So I’m a tech head, a tech geek and tech freak and I love that, I always did growing up. And I love filmmaking at the same time but I loved the technical aspect of it. I was studying that as much as I was studying the artistic aspect of it. But in my family, it was really a belief that, yeah, you want to be a filmmaker, you want to be a writer, but that’s just dreaming. You could never possibly do something that would make you that happy. You have to be realistic and becoming an electronics engineer was a realistic way to go. So I went to Drexel University which was a really wonderful university for engineering. Luckily they had this work/study program. You went to school for six months and then you worked for six months. I got to work at a place called the Aeronautics Federal Experiental Center (AFEC) and it was working with digital radar systems. I used to go up and fly through thunderstorms to find out why planes crashed in thunderstorms.

Neely: (Neely explodes with laughter) You’re kidding!

David: Nah. I used to do that. But anyway, being an engineer and finding out what it was like, I got to find out first hand while I was in school just how much I hated. I enjoyed designing something once, but I didn’t like repeating the process. Once you design one circuit and one piece of equipment, it’s really just minimal variations to create anything – a television, a stereo system, a ham radio… It became repetitive to me and I got over it very quickly. And by the way, I would also say that this is a cycle that has repeated itself even in television where I don’t like to continually repeat things. That’s the great thing about “The Simpsons,” because you try to keep it different. Every week is something different. It can be a horror show or a romantic comedy, it could be a science fiction; it can be a murder mystery. We do every single for so we keep it alive and try to keep it fresh that way. And that really stimulates my brain in the proper way. I could very easily funk out if I am doing the same thing repetitively. So knowing that I disliked it while I was in school, I was able to quickly come and continue in school out here at Loyola and try my hand at film because making no money doing something I loved I learned very early was going to be better than making a good living doing something not fulfilling. So that’s how that background happened.

Neely: Going back to “The Simpsons,” how many showrunners have you had on the show?

David: It’s hard to… It started out with Jim Brooks running it with Sam Simon in the beginning; then Al and Mike and then it was me, I was the first solo showrunner I guess, and then there was a team after me, then Mike Scully and then Al Jean again, this time by himself. And that’s where we are now.

Neely: How is the room run?

David: When I was running the show, it was one room. On shows that I’ve done, I have a tendency to control most things where I sort of have to be in the room pretty much for every moment. If we’re working on a specific joke and then I have to leave the room, they can keep working on that joke and maybe one after it. All the time it’s very pleasant and I’ll come back in the room and they’ll have something brilliant and so funny and I wasn’t part of its creation, it really makes me laugh – like you get to be an audience for a second. But if I’m gone any longer than that, they’ll instantly, and it’s just the nature of writers, they’ll start to take it in another direction that I didn’t want it to go. And I’m not saying that my direction is better than theirs or vice versa, it’s just that when you run the show, that’s the thing you get. You get to choose every direction it’s going to go. So now, I think from about the time of Phil Oakley and Josh Weinstein, who were the team after me, at some point in time it broke into two rooms and Mike Scully kept the two rooms. So now there’s multiple rooms working simultaneously and that’s a little bit different. But when I was running it, it was just the one room with me and if I had to go direct the actors, all the writing would stop; if I had to go edit the episodes, all the writing would stop. The reason that was difficult, was that meant that if it was just one room going, there were a couple of nights a week you would go to 2 a.m. and that’s kind of true of every great show – it generally goes to the wee hours of the morning. And, again, because there’s no time off on “The Simpsons,” that would create burn out. So having the two rooms makes it so that those wee hour things don’t happen so often and it’s a much more reasonable time schedule. But when I was there, we were just all in a room and going beat by beat. I could tell you even more specifically how many days you spent on story, and how many days they’d spend writing the script and then how many days rewriting the script and then there would be another rewrite at the animatic and then another rewrite at the color. It’s a long process but would give you some really amazing results.

Neely: You also wrote the screenplay for “The Simpsons Movie,” as well as a couple of the songs. Who came up with the idea of doing the movie and are there plans for another?

When the gods[N1] [N2] [N3] wish to punish us they answer our prayers.” – Oscar Wilde

Wilde, Oscar
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Article: "David Dean Bottrell, A Writer I Love"

Wilder, Billy:
“I’d worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.”
Article: "Goody" by Dave Flebotte

Wilder, Billy:
"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you."
Article: "Also Know As" Part II by Kerry Ehrin

Wilder, Billy:
You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning.
Article: "The Hungry Rabbit Jumps" Part II by Robert Tannen

Wilder, Billy:
Trust your own instincts. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.
Article: "77" Part II by David Matthews

Wilder, Billy:
If there's anything I hate more than being taken seriously, it's being taken too seriously.
Article: Nick Santora, A Writer I Love Part III

Wolfe, Thomas:
“You can’t go home again”

Article: “Hudson” by Sarah McLaughlin

York, Michael:
I think that you have to believe in your destiny; that you will succeed, you will meet a lot of rejection and it is not always a straight path, there will be detours - so enjoy the view.
Article: "Limbo" Part II by Brandon Camp

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"Blancanieves," a film by Pablo Berger

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Click on the links to a selection of articles expressing Neely's more forthright opinions!

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